Oh, Grow Up!
by Tuxedo Mark
Summary: A short story to fix the terrible state of the series in Season 6.


Buffy The Vampire Slayer  
  
"Oh, Grow Up!"  
  
written by Mark Moore  
  
e-mail: bayoubilly.geo@yahoo.com  
  
rating: PG-13  
  
archive: wherever; I don't care  
  
  
Author's note: It's generally agreed on Usenet and mailing lists that Season 6 of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" just doesn't cut  
the mustard. Yes, I had to mention mustard in a Buffy fic. :P Anyway, this fanfic is an attempt to correct the many problems  
of Season 6. It's basically a fix-it fic. =) I came up with the ideas at work (I was bored) on Thursday, March 14, 2002, from  
1:32 PM to 3:32 PM. Two hours. With some minor changes, I wrote the actual story on Sunday, May 5, 2002 (the one-year  
anniversary of when I got my new computer), from 5:30 PM to 11:00 PM. Five hours and thirty minutes. That's seven-and-a-half  
hours that it took me to (in my opinion) fix the series. I didn't address absolutely everything (such as Amy), but I dealt  
with the major stuff. Please tell me what you think of my changes. Also, this is my very first Buffy fic. Comments, good and  
bad alike, questions, all-out flames, and lavish praise are welcome. And remember, Loki loves you!  
  
  
Buffy Summers wasn't having a good night.  
  
Anya and Spike had been discovered having sex, and then Spike had revealed that he and Buffy had done it on numerous  
occasions.  
  
That doubly hurt Xander, who hated all three of them right now.  
  
Now, Buffy sat in her bedroom, crying.  
  
Suddenly, she heard a knock on the door.  
  
Buffy looked up and saw Willow Rosenberg standing in the doorway.  
  
"Can I come in?" Willow asked.  
  
"Sure." Buffy said.  
  
Willow walked into the room and sat to Buffy's right.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Willow asked.  
  
"Lousy." Buffy replied. "You?"  
  
"Pretty good." Willow replied. "Tara and I just got back together."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Congrats."  
  
"Hey, cheer up." Willow told her. "We'll figure out how to beat the Nerds."  
  
"Guys." Tara McClay was at the door. "Meeting."  
  
  
Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Dawn sat around the coffee table in the living room.  
  
"Okay, nice turnout." Buffy said.  
  
"Well, let's get started." Tara said. "Our current enemies - the Nerd Troika."  
  
Willow and Dawn laughed.  
  
"That's not funny." Buffy told them. "They killed Katrina,...and they tried to pin it on me."  
  
Willow and Dawn stopped laughing.  
  
"So, any suggestions on how to defeat them?" Tara asked.  
  
"We need to know more about them. We need to speak to someone that knows them." Buffy looked at all of them. "Guys,...we need  
to resurrect Katrina."  
  
"What?" Dawn Summers asked.  
  
"It can't be done." Willow said. "We already used the Urn of Osiris to bring you back."  
  
"So, find some trinket from some other religion that'll let us talk to that god of the dead." Buffy told her.  
  
"Buffy, Katrina died a normal death." Tara told her. "Who knows what we'd bring her back as?"  
  
"Human." Buffy said. "We're bringing her back as a human being...by promising her revenge. Now, let's do this."  
  
  
"Hear me, Hel, daughter of Loki." Tara said. "We wish to bring back to life one who was thrown from this world unfairly. We  
ask you, wise Hel, to free Katrina Silber and let her rejoin the world of the living. Um, please?"  
  
They sat silently around Katrina's grave.  
  
"Katrina, you want revenge against those bastards, don't you?!" Tara asked.  
  
More silence.  
  
"Okay, everybody start chanting that petition in the ancient tongue." Tara said. "Por favor, Hel. Me gusta jugar con queso."  
  
"Por favor, Hel. Me gusta jugar con queso." Buffy, Dawn, Tara, and Willow recited over and over again.  
  
"Okay," Tara said, "let's see if it worked."  
  
"Did you bring the shovels this time?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Yes." Willow said, slightly annoyed. "Geez, I won't make the same mistake twice."  
  
"That sounds like you're making the mistake three times." Buffy said.  
  
The others stared at her.  
  
"First, you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice." Buffy explained.  
  
Tara rolled her eyes. "Shut up and help us dig her out."  
  
They started digging. Soon, they got to the coffin.  
  
"Okay, who's gonna open it?" Buffy asked.  
  
She, Tara, and Willow looked at each other, then they all looked at Dawn.  
  
Dawn shook her head. "Oh, no! Not me!"  
  
"I'll hold onto you, Dawnie." Buffy assured her.  
  
Buffy held Dawn by the ankles and lowered her into the hole.  
  
"I hear pounding." Dawn said.  
  
Slowly, Dawn opened the coffin.  
  
Katrina, her body and soul completely intact, sat up in shock.  
  
Dawn smiled at her. "Hi. Welcome back."  
  
Buffy pulled Dawn out of the hole.  
  
Tara offered Katrina her hands. Katrina took hold of them, and Tara pulled her out of the hole.  
  
"Katrina?" Buffy asked. "It's okay. You're back on Earth."  
  
Katrina smiled. "Yeah, I figured. Thanks."  
  
  
Back at Buffy's house, Katrina took a shower and put on some of Buffy's clothes.  
  
Then she walked downstairs and into the kitchen.  
  
"Hey." Buffy said. "Juice?"  
  
"Yeah. Thanks." Katrina said.  
  
Buffy got a glass out of a cabinet and poured orange juice into it for Katrina.  
  
Katrina picked up the glass and started drinking.  
  
Dawn, Tara, and Willow then each poured a glass as well. Willow through the empty carton into the trash can.  
  
The five of them walked into the living room and sat down.  
  
"Katrina, I couldn't help noticing that you're apparently having no trouble with being brought back here." Buffy said.  
  
Katrina grinned. "Why should I have trouble?"  
  
"Well,...when I was brought back,...my friends pulled me out of Heaven. I felt like Earth was Hell. It took me a long time to  
want to stay here again." Buffy suddenly had an unsettling thought. "Katrina, were you in Hell?"  
  
"No, I was in Heaven." Katrina said. "Trust me, you're not missing much."  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Well, think about it." Katrina said. "We stood around the Sea of Glass, singing endless hymns to the one who sits on the  
throne."  
  
"Yeah. Who was that egotistical jerk?" Buffy asked.  
  
"God."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It was boring, but there was nothing else to do." Katrina said. "They didn't even have She-Ra."  
  
"No, they didn't, did they?" Buffy recalled. "No She-Ra. God, that sucks."  
  
"Maybe you should've told him while you were there." Katrina said. "Not that it would've helped. Women aren't paid attention  
to in Yahweh's Patriarchal Wonderland - except when the Cherubim wanna get laid."  
  
The others laughed.  
  
"I did manage to find out some stuff about you guys, though, since everything is common knowledge." Katrina said. "Buffy, you  
shouldn't get banged by Spike."  
  
"Hey!" Buffy blurted.  
  
Willow, Tara, and Dawn stared at her.  
  
"Oh. My. God." Dawn said. "You and Spike? Buffy, that's fuckin' gross."  
  
"Dawn Summers!" Buffy yelled. "Where did you learn to talk like that?!"  
  
"From you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"That's four guys you've fucked now, Buffy." Katrina said. "Angel, Parker, Riley, and Spike."  
  
"Oh, God." Buffy realized. "I'm a slut."  
  
"Yes, you are." Katrina agreed. "And you really should punish Dawn for stealing stuff."  
  
"Hey!" Dawn yelled.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Yeah. I'm gonna lay the smackdown. No fun, Dawn. No TV, no music, nothing. You leave this house for school  
only. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, sis." Dawn growled.  
  
"Willow," Katrina said, "get over your sad self and apologize to Tara for messing with her mind."  
  
Willow looked at Tara. "I'm...I'm sorry, Tara."  
  
"You're forgiven." Tara said.  
  
"May I use magic?"  
  
"Sure." Tara said.  
  
"You're gonna have to, Will." Buffy said. "We're gonna open up a can o' whoop-ass on the Troika."  
  
"And Buffy, get over your loss and realize how much you've regained." Katrina told her. "Be happy!"  
  
"Well, - "  
  
"There's no 'Jem' in Heaven either." Katrina reminded her.  
  
"No 'Jem' either?" Buffy asked. "Okay, I'm officially over Heaven. Singing hymns? Fuck that. Heaven is a place on Earth."  
  
Dawn, Willow, Tara, and Katrina smiled.  
  
"Welcome back, Buffy." Willow said.  
  
"Okay, enough chit-chat." Buffy said. "Let's go kick some nerd ass."  
  
  
Spike busted into the Nerd's van.  
  
"You!" Spike yelled. "I want you three to get this damn chip outta my head!"  
  
"Uh, uh, we can't do that." Jonathan Levinson said.  
  
"Why not?!" Spike asked.  
  
"Cuz you'll kick our asses." Andrew Wells said.  
  
"And possibly murder us." Warren Meers added.  
  
"I'm not gonna kill you dipshits." Spike assured them. "I wanna team up with you and help you kill the Slayer and her friends  
before they kill me. But I can't do that with this chip in my head."  
  
The Nerds all looked at each other.  
  
"Okay, yeah, sure." Warren agreed. "Have a seat."  
  
  
Xander Lavelle Harris was sitting on his bed, thinking about what he had seen tonight.  
  
He still couldn't believe that both Anya and Buffy had had sex with Spike. He was disgusted at both of them.  
  
And he hated Spike.  
  
There was only one thing to do.  
  
Xander stood up and left to confront the vampire...again.  
  
  
Buffy, Tara, Willow, and Katrina took as many weapons as they could carry, and they headed for the front door.  
  
Buffy opened the door. Giles stood outside, holding a suitcase in each hand.  
  
"Giles?!" Buffy asked in surprise.  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry that I left." Giles told her. "It was foolish of me. You needed my help, and I abandoned you. I thought you  
needed to do things on your own, but I was wrong. Friends stick close and help each other, and I'm here now, Buffy. Just tell  
me what you need, and I'll help you in any way that I can."  
  
"Pick up that chainsaw in my weapons chest." Buffy told him. "It's time for us to fight the...Little Bad."  
  
Giles was a bit surprised at this response. "Er, yes, of course."  
  
  
Anya Emerson was feeling kind of guilty over what she had done with Spike.  
  
Kind of, but the sex was great, so she didn't shed any tears.  
  
She was walking through the cemetery at the moment, deep in thought.  
  
Just then, Buffy, Giles, Willow, Tara, and Katrina arrived from one end of the cemetery.  
  
At the same time, Spike, Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew arrived from the other end.  
  
And yes, Xander arrived at the same moment from another entrance, holding a giant axe.  
  
"What the hell?!" Anya yelled.  
  
"Slayer, you're mine!" Spike yelled.  
  
"Spike! I'm right here!" Xander yelled. "Come on!"  
  
"Xander?" Buffy asked. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm gonna bust some heads, yo." Xander said.  
  
Willow rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. You're so not in tha 'hood."  
  
"Prepare to die, Slayer." Warren said, hoisting his Big Shiny New Cannon on his right shoulder.  
  
"What should we do?" Buffy asked. "We can't kill these guys."  
  
"Stop!" Jonathan told Warren. "This is wrong! Murder is wrong!"  
  
Warren chuckled. "You're worthless and weak!"  
  
Jonathan ran over to Buffy. "Please stop them!"  
  
Buffy gave him a smile. "Okey-dokey."  
  
Buffy did a jump-kick at Warren before the BSNC had fully powered up.  
  
Warren fell on his ass. The BSNC reached full power, but all of the energy fired off into the sky.  
  
"Nooo!!!" Warren screamed. "Damn you, Slayer!!!"  
  
Warren stood up.  
  
All of a sudden, Katrina ran over to him.  
  
"Hey!" Katrina yelled. "It's payback time!"  
  
"Katrina!" Warren yelled. "What the hell?!"  
  
"Fight me!" Katrina challenged. "I dare you!"  
  
Warren started punching and kicking her, but Katrina fought back fiercely.  
  
Meanwhile, Buffy and Andrew got in a fight of their own.  
  
Willow, Tara, and Giles started fighting Spike.  
  
"This is the end, Katrina!!!" Warren screamed. "You shall die again!!!"  
  
"Fuck you, Warren!" Katrina yelled back. "I've got the touch! I've got the power!"  
  
Katrina picked up her axe off of the ground and brought it down, splitting Warren's head in half - and killing him in the  
process.  
  
"Yeah!" Katrina exclaimed.  
  
Meanwhile, Buffy picked up a stake and drove it into Andrew's chest. He died, too.  
  
Spike knocked Willow, Tara, and Giles away.  
  
"Ha! No one can defeat me!" Spike exclaimed. "Certainly not you twits! The Big Bad is back in town!"  
  
"Spike, your ass is mine!" Xander raised his axe and ran at Spike. "I'll fight for freedom! Wherever there's trouble, Xander  
Harris is there!"  
  
Xander threw his axe.  
  
"Xander, no!" Anya ran in the way.  
  
The axe split Anya's head in half. Yeah, she died as well.  
  
Xander stood there in shock.  
  
"Anya, no." Spike said softly. He looked up and pointed his right index finger at all of them. "You all will pay! I swear!"  
  
Spike then turned and ran away.  
  
"Coward!" Willow yelled after him.  
  
"Fuck, that was awesome." Tara said.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Yeah."  
  
"Not exactly what I expected on my first night back, but...it'll do." Giles accepted.  
  
  
Back at Buffy's house, Buffy, Giles, Katrina, Xander, Willow, Tara, and Dawn sat at the kitchen table.  
  
"Okay, Xander, you need to repent for summoning Sweet and causing those deaths." Katrina said. "Forgive yourself for Anya's  
death, but forgive Buffy, also."  
  
Xander felt stung by that, but he nodded. "Yes, Kat. Buffy, I don't pretend to know why you did the horizontal polka with  
Spike, but I'm cool with it." He paused for a moment. "Oh, God, that did not come out right."  
  
Buffy smiled. "It's okay. I'm a slut no more."  
  
"Giles, you're okay." Katrina said. "You already apologized."  
  
Giles briefly looked at her and nodded.  
  
"I think that about covers it." Katrina said. "Oh, yeah, God gave me one more message for you all right before I left Heaven:  
'Oh, grow up!'"  
  
The others smiled.  
  
"Well, Buffy, I have enough money from working with the Council of Watchers to help you pay your debts." Giles said, putting  
down a sheet of paper.  
  
Buffy smiled. "Thanks, Giles. And I promise I'll repay every cent."  
  
"Yeah, like you're pulling in some hefty cash at the Doublemeat Palace." Xander said.  
  
"Speaking of meat, let's have some of the real stuff." Buffy cut a slice of boneless hog jowl, put it on a piece of Italian  
bread, added chopped garlic, and offered it to Tara. "Here, Tara."  
  
Tara looked at the sandwich with uncertainty.  
  
"I made it to Heaven. You can, too." Buffy said in her best motivational voice.  
  
Tara smiled, took the sandwich, and ate it.  
  
"Good?" Buffy asked.  
  
Tara nodded, chewing. "Could use mustard."  
  
"The mustard's out." Buffy said apologetically.  
  
Tara shrugged.  
  
"Y'know, maybe there's a way I can earn some extra money." Buffy said.  
  
"How?" Willow asked.  
  
"Well, we found out earlier that we can sing." Buffy said. "Maybe we can play instruments, form a band, and perform at the  
Bronze?"  
  
"Neat!" Willow said. "We can call it The Scoobies!"  
  
"Y'know, that's a stupid name for us." Tara said. "I'm sorry, but it's true. Who the hell started calling us the Scooby Gang,  
anyway?"  
  
"I dunno," Buffy replied, "but I agree. How about Buffy and the Slayerettes?"  
  
Katrina grinned. "Now, that I like."  
  
"It's still early." Buffy stood up. "I'm gonna call the Bronze and see if they can book us for tonight."  
  
Dawn frowned. "Guess I won't be there."  
  
Buffy smiled at her. "Cheer up, Dawnie. I'll let you out this one time."  
  
Dawn smiled.  
  
  
At the Bronze, Buffy and the Slayerettes stood on the stage.  
  
They consisted of Buffy (lead vocals), Tara (guitar), Katrina (bass guitar), Willow (synthesizer), and Xander (drums).  
  
Giles and Dawn sat at the closest table, applauding wildly.  
  
"Thank you." Buffy said. "This is our first song in front of a real audience. I hope you enjoy it."  
  
The band started playing music. Buffy sang the lead vocals, and the others sang back-up vocals.  
  
The song that Buffy and the Slayerettes performed was "Tonight is What It Means to be Young" from the 1984 movie, "Streets of  
Fire" (available on the soundtrack album):  
  
"I've got a dream 'bout an Angel on the beach,  
and the perfect waves are starting to come.  
His hair is flying out in ribbons of gold.  
In his touch, he's got the power to stun.  
  
I've got a dream 'bout an Angel in the forest,  
enchanted by the edge of a lake,  
his body flowing in the jewels of light  
and the earth below him starting to shake.  
  
But I don't see any Angels in the city,  
I don't hear any holy choirs sing,  
and, if I can't get an Angel,  
I can still get a boy,  
and the boy'll be the next best thing -  
the next best thing to an Angel.  
A boy'll be the next best thing.  
  
I've got a dream 'bout a boy in a castle,  
and he's dancing like a cat on the stairs.  
He's got the fire of a prince in his eyes  
and the thunder of a drum in his ear.  
  
I've got a dream 'bout a boy on a star,  
lookin' down upon the rim of the world.  
He's there all alone and dreamin' of someone like me.  
I'm not an Angel, but at least I'm a girl.  
  
I've got a dream when the darkness is over,  
we'll be lyin' in the rays of the sun.  
But it's only a dream,  
and tonight is for real.  
You'll never know what it means,  
but you'll know how it feels.  
It's gonna be over (over)  
before you know it's begun.  
(Before you know it's begun, oh!)  
  
It's all we really got tonight.  
Stop your cryin'; hold on tonight.  
Before you know it, it's gone: tonight.  
Tonight is what it means to be young.  
Tonight is what it means to be young.  
  
Let the revels begin.  
Let the fire be started.  
We're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted.  
Let the revels begin.  
Let the fire be started.  
We're dancing for the desperate and the broken-hearted.  
  
Let the revels begin.  
Let the fire be started.  
We're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted.  
Let the revels begin.  
Let the fire be started.  
We're dancing for the desperate and the broken-hearted.  
  
Say a prayer in the darkness for the magic to come.  
No matter what it seams,  
tonight is what it means to be young.  
  
Tonight is what it means to be young.  
Before you know it, it's gone.  
Tonight is what it means to be young.  
Before you know it, it's gone.  
  
The things they say and then the things they do.  
Nothin's gonna stop us if our aim is true.  
  
The things they say and then the things they do.  
Nothin's gonna stop us if our aim is true.  
  
The things they say and then the things they do.  
Nothin's gonna stop us if our aim is true."  
  
  
The End  
  
  
Copyrighted 2002 by Mark Moore 


End file.
